Thursday, June 08, 2006

Getting to Know My Clothing and Me

I'm feeling sort of horrible. I write when I feel like this. Consequently, I'll tie in clothes since clothing makes me feel better too. So today you get to know about my clothing and me.

Now why should you be listening to me? Reading me? Maybe I have the worst sense of style ever and I'm dishing out advice. So here I am- showing you that you have nothing to fear. I've been taking a few photos of my daily dress. First is this-

It's a DKNY crocheted thing (gift- $35) that I wore as a dress with an Anne Pinkerton Cream-Pinstriped belt. Then there are $20 skinny jeans under it. I should explain...I haven't bought a pair of skinny jeans yet and I don't think I will. These technically aren't even skinny jeans- they're just jeans that fit very snugly and have a slight flare which worked well with the skirt-dress. They were $20 in Flushing, NY in some tiny boutique. (For future purposes- I have never spent more than $25 on pants) White button-up cotton collared shirt from Armani Exchange Sample Sale- $10.

This next outfit I wore the day of the prom during school. I had it paired with a necklace my mother made which isn't on there but I call it the "Beachcomber" necklace. I <3 the top- it's a bit nautical but not overly so- $15 at The Limited. Wooden bangle is the one I got from the bubble guy. And the pants I got in Taiwan from a chain store called Giordano's. They were a gift.

Jess and I went to the mall the other day and we went into the Banana Republic- after Soupi convinced me to go in there once I always make a stop there whenever I'm nearby because of the great finds that are available for the taking (I bought a $15 velvet blazer) as long as one finds the right size. This was the outfit I wore on our day out. It's a Theory sweater that I got for $17 from Loehmann's, it's actually a size large. The crocheted top is from Taiwan which I got for 200 yen which was around $6.50 when I bought it. Yes, I was put on a budget when I was in Taiwan this summer. You can click the picture to see the closer up view and details. Pants are actually the same Giordano ones. Ballet Flats were $10. I love white shoes...they brighten up the feet a lot. Hmm...whoever made that rule about no white shoes after labor day must have an inner goth.

And as you can see, I found the most gorgeous wrap dress! I've been having these infatuations with sophisticated wrap dresses. (Plus, lucky Julie from Almost Girl gets practically fondled by DVF while wearing a wrap!)

I was in love with it. But then I realized but the color didn't go so well with the skin tone and the style and print was just too too asian. I don't understand why I've been going after really concentrated (like Kool-Aid mix) asian things lately. First the prom (last post) and now the wrap dress! It was a petite xs (didn't know I was a petite! I'm 5'4''). It was $50 and would've made a great graduation dress...for someone else who isn't asian and won't overdue that. So I let it go and got over it. The pictures are crooked because the dressing room was small.

That's the top Jess wore- that's my favorite shirt of her's- it looks 10x better in real life and it fits in all the right places and the color just explodes on her skin. So cute. : ) I believe she got it in India.

Okay, so I'm not going to hide anything from you guys (wherever you are). And now that you've gotten to know my clothing, you get to know least what's been making me feel like these ugly XOXO pants that Jess and I saw in Macy's (I'm just glad it wasn't a real snake...):

I was working at night yesterday on my senior project- which centers around dishwashing gloves. I was standing at the sink, experimenting with the gloves, taking down notes. Then suddenly my mom breezes by and she says, "Ah, Gloria...I got a mail earlier while you were at school. Johns Hopkins says they're over-enrolled and you've been taken off the waitlist."

Taken off the waitlist means that I did not gain acceptance. And I just stood there- washing dishes- just staring into space. Inside I felt like crap- the main reason why I probably didn't gain acceptance in the first place was that big fat C that I got for engineering for the final grade last year. It was the first real time that I ever got a C for a final grade. And it was because of the bullshit fluff stuff final being worth 20% of the overall grade- how else could I get a C yet have A's and high B's for all the marking periods? And did I mention that my school doesn't offer AP courses? I didn't expect to gain acceptance to all my colleges- but getting into UCLA and getting rejected for a school like Barnard just made me feel like I should've gotten in.

I also really wanted to go to Berkeley. One guy in my class also applied- and he does so much and is so smart and yet he didn't get in. While I know other kids from normal town high schools who did get in whose credentials were probably not as good as his... I know I'm not a genius student but our school just sucks.

Our valedictorian- who is like superwoman- head of a number of extracurric's- didn't even get into Brown. Because this is the truth, if you go to this sort of school- unless you're a fencer on some junior olympic team- you're not going to be better off than going to a normal high school and you won't get into a competitive school. And then I hear about my old classmates from middle school that go to a normal high school and even though they're not valedictorians- they still get into places like U Penn, and Princeton and I'm not even aiming that high...

Through all of March and part of April, I fell into a sort of void. I recieved one rejection after the other. And I thought I stood a bit of a chance! I walked around feeling like there was no reason to live since all my hopes were dashed. Some people said, well it's not the end of the world. But to me it was. I wanted to be the girl that went to a college that she was dying to go to. Now I viewed myself as the girl who didn't get to who was going to end up going to a unheard of school that might as well be in the middle of Alaska. Getting rejected from every single competitive college when you attend a "competitive school" is like getting slapped in the face, kicked in the stomach, gagged, and stepped on by a lady with sharp stilettos. And then having the lady turn out to be Anna Wintour. All occurring while wearing the ugliest ugliest possible outfit in the universe- a jean vest on top of a ruffled collar bulky sweater with acid washed tight jeans, obnoxious rainbow leggings, dirty hightops- and a hairstyle that should have stayed in the 80's.

I was devastated. The multiple rejections were a verification of how very stupid I was. I felt stupid. I smelled stupid. I looked stupid. I dressed in muted colors and slapped on hoodies and dark jeans. What was the use in trying anymore (academically)? I had aspirations that could only be best achieved at the places I didn't get into. I didn't get into Cornell's fashion program. I felt like, and I still do, I wasn't even good enough to make some freaking clothes. I said if I got into that college- which I expected to- I would take that route. But I didn't. I didn't get in. And I'm not going that way.

I stood in that kitchen yesterday. Washing with those worthless gloves. Thinking, Why am I spending time doing this stupid project when this class is probably the primary reason why I didn't even get into that school? As in, why am I even wasting my time? If I mess up on the final- it'll screw up all the work I did this year anyway. And no one does good on the weekly quizzes for that class. I'm talking like 30's, 40's, 50's. It's all fluff stuff- in the future, when am I going to need to know who discovered wind power or what luminescent tags are? Does that mean the instructor is doing his job? I attend a specialized engineering school- and I can tell you right now that maybe there's one person left in our civil/mechanical class that wants to be an engineer. I hate to learn nothing.

I'm so sick of this high school. And I kept thinking that maybe I would gain admission into Johns Hopkins even though I was waitlisted- I even wrote a letter of interest. But now I doubt they even read it. I wanted very badly to AT LEAST gain acceptance into Johns Hopkins- it wasn't a matter of "I have so many choices but this is my top choice." It was a matter of, "I need to go to this one since it has everything that none of the other schools have." It's one of the best schools for research and even has a unique Alternatives to Animal Testing center that only about 2 other colleges have. Research is what I wanted to do. But instead I guess I really am going to Cali to a liberal arts school. It's a good school, no doubt. But not for science. It is not even comparable for opportunities in medical research. I don't know exactly what I want to do- but I know I want to go into medical research, or research regarding vegetarianism, diseases, etc. I wanted to work toward the future.

And picking which college I'm going to go to will have a significant impact on my future. That is why I am so frustrated. If I don't start off with my foot in the game- I may not be in sight of the endgame at all.

This is why I've fallen back into the void for the time being. Because there's nothing I can do. I can just sit here, expressionless, feeling useless and worthless. Inside, I tear up and collapse. And at the same time- I have to work hard even if it's for nothing and I don't even know why! There's a few things I can stand for- I can stand rejection on many levels. If I pitch a book? You won't publish it? Clothing designs? Don't think it's good enough? Ok, that sucks, but that's OK. But that's not the case when when it comes to my "smartness" or academics- I have grown up with a complex with that my entire life. Rejections validate that I am not good enough to go to a competitive college. There is no other way to look at it. It's not just one door closed- it's many.

In closing, there is no reason to try hard since it does not pay off when you're in a high school like mine because you will end up feeling like an ugly pair of XOXO pants.



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